Don't Overlook the High-Functioning Caregiver

High-functioning caregivers often get overlooked because, from the outside, they appear to have it "all together" - the house is clean, supplies are organized, appointments are scheduled, and the family calendar is color-coded and up-to-date. However, this group of caregivers needs us to show up for them in unique ways.

First, it's important to understand high-functioning caregivers are unlikely to ask for help - even though they need it. Caregivers struggle with vulnerability (just like everyone else), and asking for help can be difficult.  When we ask for help, not only does it require admitting to ourselves that we need help (which is tough), but it also requires admitting it to someone else (which is very tough).  High-functioning caregivers often carry "perfectionistic tendencies" which makes it even less likely they will ask for help. Please pay close attention during your conversations with high-functioning caregivers and try to find subtle ways to support them without requiring them to ask.

Second, it’s important to remember that supporting a caregiver doesn’t have to be a monumental or herculean effort. Small, consistent acts of kindness are often welcomed and are easier to accomplish for busy family members and friends who want to help. Here are a few examples of ways you can support a caregiver:

• Providing a meal once a week along with paper plates and plastic utensils (to minimize clean-up)

• Sending them a Door Dash or Uber Eats gift card

• Spontaneously offering to do the laundry

• Mowing their lawn and/or taking out the trash

• Taking their kids to the park or the movies (and feeding them dinner afterward)

• Walking their dogs

• Picking up a few groceries for them while you’re at the store

• Offering to sit with their loved one while they step out to run errands—and encouraging them to take a detour to a park for fresh air and a change of scenery

  
  

These small gestures may seem trivial, but they can provide a much-needed oasis for a struggling caregiver; they also reinforce that the caregiver is part of a larger community of friends who "see" them and want to help. You’d be surprised how impactful these simple acts of kindness can be!

Finally, high-functioning caregivers need someone they trust to help them set realistic expectations for what caregiving should look like—and what it doesn’t have to look like. Caregiving is never perfect, so trying to create the "perfect" situation for the person being cared for is an unrealistic goal. Instead, we need to remind them that many people who are sick simply need the basics: food, shelter, assistance with ADLs (activities of daily living - such as bathing, transferring from bed to chair, and getting dressed), and lots of love. Everything else is icing on the cake. Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint, and high-functioning or perfectionistic caregivers may need gentle reminders that exhausting themselves in pursuit of perfection could jeopardize their own health and wellness and potentially limit their ability to provide long-term support.

Most caregivers are struggling, and high-functioning caregivers make it look easy which can be deceptive. Don't mistake their well-organized, and well-managed caregiving journey for a lack of need for support. They need us to show up for them too! If we become more observant with high-functioning caregivers, we can find simple yet productive ways of providing assistance to give them the respite they need and deserve.